oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
