someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
