Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This baby is an asshole
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
