do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
