he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
