was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
