for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
