If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to sanitize my soul.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize