Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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