I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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