final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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