Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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