It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it's great music for shaving your balls
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
