From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
