YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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