I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
