I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
