Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
