Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
