yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
