whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
