I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
