i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
