as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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