dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think I won the penis lottery.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
