DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
