just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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