I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i would punch a child for taco bell
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
