my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
