Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
