How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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