is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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