How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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