mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize