Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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