My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
