Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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