i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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