Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
