I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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