Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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