Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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