Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
