Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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