and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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