I want to walk on stilts...naked
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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