plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
