Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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