Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
