I hate all girls vehemently.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize