got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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