i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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