Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
