There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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