ya dads aren't the best wingmen
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
