she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
we're so committed to being not committed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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