apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
