U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
