No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
this just has baby written all over it
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
