I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
