My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
