She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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