i'm signing you up for texting rehab
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
