I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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