somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
