Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
