nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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