A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
